ATLANTA — CNN announced today that the network will roll out a series of commercials and billboards with a new slogan, “All Guesses, All the Time,” beginning April 1.
Network CEO I.M. Unser said the network is responding to recent ratings patterns and focus groups, which reveal that viewers are more likely to stay tuned to the network nonstop when analysts are attempting to predict the future.
“Without viewers, we’re out of business. Once we give people an actual fact, they simply disappear, and advertisers won’t continue to pay us to talk to nobody. We had a major spike during the conclave to elect a pope, for example. We brought in every priest and bishop we could find to talk about the backgrounds of the various candidates, their qualifications, and what changes they would likely implement if they were elected. People couldn’t get enough of it. Once we got white smoke and everybody knew who the new pope was, it was all over, and we were left sitting there with nobody watching. We’re simply not going to let that happen going forward,” said Unser.
He acknowledged that the mysterious disappearance of a Boeing 777 Malaysia Airlines jet served as a catalyst to the new campaign. “It’s the gift that keeps on giving,” Unser said. “It’s been two weeks now, and we can put anybody with a pilot’s license in the chair and folks will stay glued to the set. I really hate to see it end,” he said.
Note: This post is strictly parody. This didn’t actually happen, exactly.